I want to live my life differently than I have been, and by that I just mean, get the fuck over myself.

// 5th ave. //

It doesn’t take much seeking to be halted in your tracks by one snow flake, one smile, one person.
As I drop my head back in efforts to relax, that snow flake dropped right on the tip of my nose where you had kissed me a thousand times the night before.

Cafuné.

// Lashes//

Walking slowly

Thinking with speed

Watching ahead

Glancing back

I never saw it coming. Time. It kindof just happened. Like right when I blink my eye it passes. And even if I strain to keep it open it wont pass until I close my eyelids. Click Click Tick Tock the time passes with every flutter of a lash.

I used to run.

Now I walk.

I used to fake it.

Now I make it.

There is something about getting older that changes the way you look at the world. Why all of a sudden do I crave to sit down and get a cup of coffee with inspirational talk about the human body, mental health, and expression. There are a lot of people who want to talk about spirituality all day long. Some spiritual path. The only spiritual path I walk on is a fake one.

As time keeps ticking

I keep moving

And with each new step

My back breaks just a little bit.

More

Why all of a sudden does everyone want a piece? Trip on your own root, walk with your own limp, fucking with your own sanity. I have my father in me. I know what a depression looks like. An out of control, wrong place wrong time, emotional attack that stops anyone and everyone from enjoying themselves right there. And there is no way to get away because everyone loves you and you love yourself. Breaking peoples hearts is a terrible past time. But it’s something I do best.

// Reach//

That moment when you can feel your inner self tearing at the walls. Screaming, clawing for a way out, any way to get the fuck out of your body and express itself. And as soon as you open your mouth the black mist spreads like smoke. Suffocating others. Reciting the words to squeeze the blood from their body like an anaconda. There is no right answer. There are no flashing lights saying go this way, head left. I walk alone. 

Once the darkness gets out. It travels with others. It follows them around. Watching their every move. Ready to spring at the soonest sign of vulnerability. Thats why the victims come back days, weeks, months later. Ready to ignite about how I hurt them long ago. Little do they know, the darkness has been stalking them. Little do they know the darkness stalks me as well. And getting away is not easy. As soon as vulnerability settles it strikes, it  will jump, leap, suffocate you on impact. And i must watch as the darkness that haunts me leaps from my lips to the throats of my friends, my family, my loved ones, my everythings. And I must watch as the reigns around my neck become the nails in others lips, the barbed wire around their faces, the blood infects their eyes, their ears can’t handle the black, until all units of sensation reach capacity and they implode, alone. 

I’m tired of watching. That’s why i pull the reigns in. Thats why I dont answer. Thats why I roll my eyes. Leave, I think, before the worst comes out. But you stand by, watching, waiting, patient as the darkness consumes me and patient as it consumes you. Until you get up to leave and you are stalked again. And it squeezes in my brain. The scratching the pushing begins of the darkness inside. And there is no one here to hear the wines. 

// So fuck me. //

Read me. Long nights of wakefulness. Dreams of forgetting this. Feelings of mixed dramatized examples of us fit right between my heart and my lungs and I carry them there. No wonder I can’t breathe and my heart is heavy to beat.

Thump Thump Thump.

There she goes again. Drowning on about how she feels so feminine.

Thump Thump Thump.

I ask her why. Why him, why her, why the other guy. Why are you projecting this need to investigate all I see with my eyes. Is there something you’re looking for love? Something to take out that splinter between my heart and my lungs. After you were squeezed so tight, you became wood, and you puncture my capsules, and I can’t even look. With all of the space and time in the world, splinters will never heal, they will just get worse. They will just get bigger and more infected, they will just hurt me for more seconds. I have felt disempowered to remove the tack that punctured me way back. I swore to myself you did it, you remove it. I swore to myself it was all your fault. And then I blamed me and then I blamed God and then I blamed life. Blame never got anyone anywhere.

So I started back off on this journey, to discover what it is like to take responsibility and recover. You began to look different, less elegant at best. Off that pedestal I had placed you, even in protest. I’m still crushing on chores, crushing harder than I had wanted. Crushing myself to try and submerge this depth for a chance at some rest. While you La da te da da da da around. Screaming out for a chance to be profound. With this short life and overhanging doom, it’s no wonder I’d rather be with you.

It wouldn’t be bad to hear you scream my name. And it wouldn’t be bad to slap you across your face. And it wouldn’t be horrible if you recognized me not as your baby but as a lady. And it would be pretty extravagant if you knew the ideas I pondered with. I don’t think you would hesitate realizing just how explicit. I don’t think you would wait another moment to jump off the safety of the island and head for the shore. The real shore. The home land. The place you were born.

Treat me as the sea treats the wind if you must. Let me blow you around and make you bubble up. But don’t ever let me destroy your center with tornadoes. Keep you depth cool and collected so if we are to be connected you can stay maintained and introspective. And as for me, the wind, feel free to come up into me. Feel free to evaporate into my atmosphere. I will rumble and roll all over you. You inside of my clouds. Rain down on me. Rain through me. Rain inside of me. I have no need for depth. You are my depth. I have no need for security, you conquered that.

So fuck me if I’m stupid. And I’m afraid of commitment. Screw me if I know I will never be 100%. Who I am, is not who I was, but I have grown like the summer sun. Getting bigger and bigger. as it gets higher and higher. Only to fall back down and fuck you with color. Get more explicit. Be more ridiculous. For whoever will read this. Fuck if I’m different. I’ll call it like I see it in my honorable terms of agreement. To let me be me and the world be her. And for everyone else to do what they feel they deserve. BUT as for me… for the real me inside… I’m just the same as I was. Holding my heart. Laughing at your jokes. Driving myself crazy because my mind won’t stop thinking. Over analyzing everything. Claiming new exclamations. But it’s why you love me. So I’ll just say. I know you’ve been practicing, waiting, driving yourself crazy, for me.